A Generation of Wankers 

By Professor Phillip Crutch on Sep 1, 2014

 

My open letter to someone:

 

You’re a wanker, an idiot, a fool - just like me - and this most likely vulgar piece of writing is the sum of my feelings and opinions about my disapprobation towards modern social norms and the like. I hope you’ll notice that I’ve taken the liberty of simplifying things for the sake of saving you some time.

 

I’ve realised that my behaviour in social surroundings is somewhat different to the majority. I first became aware of my unusual stance towards socialisation when I was in sixth grade. Come lunch time and everyone disperses from the regular classroom group of “friends” to their smaller clique of like minded individuals who usually have some shared common niche interest - be it skating, computers or making music. I was into all of those and slandered from one group to the other depending on what I was currently investing most of my free time into. I was a welcome member, so to speak, with all groups and considered every guy or girl part of them to be some sort of friend. Every now and then a remark of distaste towards another group of my friends would be uttered, forcing me into an uncomfortable situation of either agreeing or disagreeing with them.

 

How shortsighted? Sure you have a common interest that you share with a select group of people, but why alienate others just because they like something which isn’t even remotely related to the activity you’re gathered for with your friends. It’s a social apples to oranges comparison - which to me makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever.

 

Who the fuck cares what other kids are interested in playing with and why they are interested in it? Apart from sociologists and behavioural psychologists no one should. I’m sure someone who has studied the field would say it’s natural for us to compare interests with others - fine - but why judge someone based on their preference for a hobby? Why would you develop a distaste for people because you like Basketball and they like League of Legends? Totally moronic.

 

I could go on and on about how this may subconsciously develop xenophobic behaviour in an individual over time but I’m not qualified to make assumptions like that. What am I getting at here? We’re wankers. Stupid cunts who still hold onto a possibly genetic predisposition to disliking things different to our own interests. Where’s the sense in that, Darwin?

 

How can you tell me we live in a “fair and modern” age when we still look down upon people who suffer from Mental Illnesses? Where gender and sexuality is still seen as a binary fact of life? Where racism is still rampant? What in the actual fuck is going on here? And how is this related to the bullshit I wrote up top?

 

I believe we are fighting a battle against human social predisposition. Somewhere along the line this moronic behaviour engrained itself into our society like crusty horseshit stains on a wooden cart wheel.

 

Children are killing themselves because no one talks about depression. Kids don’t know that they are suffering from an illness for which there is treatment. They are in a dark, unexplainable world which is nothing like that of their “normal” peers.

 

Everything is shitty; waking up, school, parents and friends. Every single day is a struggle - nothing is fun - nothing feels good.

 

And the cause is most likely a fucking chemical imbalance in the brain of which they have no control over. It’s a cancer of unhappy thoughts. The parents don’t know, how should they? No one talks about it and besides my kid is perfectly happy! In fact my kid is happier than your kid, right? This is just regular unhappy-child-at-school-syndrome! Just a phase she’s going through, she will learn to love it yet! 

 

But no! We hardly do anything about it personally. Nothing is changing. The same crappy, preposterous behaviour stays. We have this amazing gift of being able to study and analyse our problems as a society yet we continue to live with neolithic mentality.

 

We find like minded individuals, re-group and look down upon those who appear to be different to us. Yup! Super pro thinking there guys! Outstanding effort for a species that’s been around two hundred thousand years!

 

As a society we fail miserably. We spend untraceable amounts of money on destroying each other, deplete our natural resources, sit idly by while we judge people that suffer from mental illnesses and gender identification problems as they kill themselves. Again, what the fuck? I can only hope that in the future when they study our behaviour they look at us and shake their heads in disbelief.

 

Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves in day to day living? Who cares if I’ve loved my partner for one or thirty years? Which cunt is responsible for the “norms” of human relationships and marriage? And again, what the toodly-do does this have to do with all the nonsense above?

 

I have a problem with the speed at which we as a society are evolving. It annoys me greatly that we take such tiny steps when we have the capacity to leap forward at an unimaginable rate of progress. Politics and social retardation is what hinders us. If at this point you feel your own 

 

political itch coming on with the need to stamp me off as some liberal or the like, go and fuck yourself with a cactus, thanks. You cling to the past because you have a perverted aversion to change. You are our problem.

 

We as a society are born and bred with social predispositions that make no sense to me. That’s what all of this is about and let me continue by lighting my fire, turning on some Barry White and getting romantic up in this bitch.

 

Puberty, BAM! You start getting wet and pitching tents in your pants for reasons still unknown to you. Your boobs and dick grow. Oh shit, I like Jeff or Stacey. Am I Gay, Bi or straight? Damn, are my tits big enough? Shit I think my dick is small. How do I french kiss? I want to bang Miss Hutton. Jordan is so cute, how do I tell him? Oh my god he thinks I’m fat! No no - I am Fat! I Better starve myself and lose some weight and start looking like them models on Next Top Model or I won’t be able to marry Justin Bieber. These are the popular girls, if I hang out with them my chances for securing a hot guy are increased ten fold. I judge you because you don’t go shopping at Chanel and don’t wear UGGs. Oh my god I finally made out with him! We’re dating! I HAVE TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY NOW! Oh my god it’s our THREE MONTH ANNIVERSARY, which totally makes sense, I love him more than anything on this planet! Let’s get married and have kids? Maybe we can be on that TV show about doing exactly what we’re doing while we’re still teens. It’s the perfect plan because we can make some money while doing that and then we can like be famous!!! Oh my GOD! We’ve been together for 6 years and I really don’t love you like I used to, but fuck it! We’ll stay together because we’re MEANT TO BE TOGETHER FOR EVER AND ALL ETERNITY. YOU WILL NEVER BE WITH ANOTHER HUMAN OTHER THAN ME! Even if I remain unhappy - I don’t care, you’re mine! Oh shit that’s Jeff from High school! Wow he’s hot right now, I’m naturally attracted to him for some unknown reason? What’s going on I should ONLY like Justin! I want to love Justin but I’m married to Jeff forever! There is no way out. My life literally ends if we end our relationship. It just can’t happen! We HAVE TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER!

 

Fuck. Everything. About. That.

 

You don’t need to do anything. Love each other dearly until you can’t anymore. Love each other enough TO LET EACH OTHER GO... or attempt to FIGHT for the relationship! But if it doesn’t work out, end it peacefully. Remember why you got together with this person in the first place. Remember the love you had. Love your partner enough to realise when it’s over... and let each other go. 

 

I can tell you from my own experience that it’s worked for me so far. I have good relations with all my ex’s and maybe I am lucky… maybe. But I actively approached all of my relationships with my partners this way. We discussed from the get go that this may possibly not be forever. But at that moment in time there is no one on this planet that I loved more. Every single one of my ex girlfriends was technically “the one” until we both matured and grew into different people - as one naturally does.

 

We forget that we change with age. Things we like and dislike switch. We lay more value on other things all of a sudden. It’s natural.

 

What isn’t natural is the pressure we put on ourselves as a society when it comes to all these fucked up “social norms”. 

 

We need to become more open and engaged about discussing “taboo” topics. We need to accept our faults and work on them. We need to know that every single person suffers from depression at some point in their lives and that there is help there for them when they need it. Kids need to know this, it should be discussed in grade school. And most importantly this change needs to come from YOU - Mr and Mrs future parent. No one, especially no child, should ever feel the need to commit suicide because they feel misunderstood or different. Take care of your kids.

 

We need to be here for each other. 

 

TLDR: Play nicely regardless of your interests and affiliations - we’re all the same,

 

A lovely bunch of wankers.